Wild for You (Crave Book 2) Read online

  I wanted to remember these moments when I was alone in the future, to have something to keep me warm at night when I was cold.

  But the day came to a close too quickly and Ben started talking about making dinner. I knew I had to leave then. If I didn't do it tonight, I wouldn't do it at all.

  Which meant that it would hurt even more when it imploded in the future. And it would because I didn't know how to be in love. I didn't know how to make a relationship work.

  So, while he was scoping out the fridge, I snuck into the bedroom to gather the few things I'd brought with me. A t-shirt, boxer shorts, my toothbrush. Not a lot, but each item felt heavy.

  Ben came into the bedroom carrying two hard ciders and stopped right by the door. There went my hope for a quick exit.

  "Hey, why are you packing up?" he asked. He sipped from his can and put the other one on the nightstand.

  I caught a whiff of his scent and inhaled deeply, hoping to keep it imprinted on my memory.

  What? Yes, as I said, I was a masochist, and I wanted to memorize every part of this man on the day I was planning to walk away from him.

  "I need to get back to Cam's soon," I answered, shoving my dirty shirt from the night before into my tote. I should have known I was getting in too deep when Ben told me to bring some stuff over to leave at his place. I'd never done that before, except for maybe a toothbrush.

  "Are you coming back later?" he asked. He leaned against the doorjamb and tucked his empty hand in his pocket.

  I zipped up my tote and faced him.

  "I'm going back to Dallas soon." It wasn't entirely true. I would leave, but I'd intended to come back. I said it because I needed something between us, something he would understand. And believe.

  He watched me and took another sip of his cider. When I didn't say anything, he asked, "And?"

  "I think it's best if we stop seeing each other now before we get in too deep."

  "I thought you were talking about moving here," he said as he set the hard cider on top of the dresser next to the door and crossed his arms over his chest. He didn't wait for me to respond, only kept talking, "But that's not why you're leaving, is it? This morning really freaked you out, didn't it?"

  "I'm not freaked out," I lied. I totally was. I was falling in love after I'd made it clear to him that I wouldn't. Fuck me, I never thought I could.

  Ben straightened from the doorjamb and prowled toward me. "Did you know that you blink three times when you lie?"

  "I do not."

  And, dammit, I blinked three times.

  A grin tugged at the corner of his mouth but disappeared as if it had never been.

  "You feel something for me. Something more than friendship. Something more than lust. And you're scared shitless," he stated, coming to a stop a foot away.

  He was too close. There was nowhere to hide. No way to evade.

  "I told you that I didn't want to get involved," I said. "It's not a good idea. I live in the city and you live here."

  "Dallas is less than two hours away, not thousands of miles," he scoffed. "And you said you only have to go into your office one week every month or so."

  "Before I got my promotion, yes. Now, I'll need to be there more often."

  "Every day?" he asked.

  It was a pointed question, one he already knew the answer to. "No. At least two weeks a month though." That was a lie. The person in my position previously had come in maybe once a month, so it was likely I'd have the same schedule.

  "So that's really not what's holding you back, is it?" he pressed.

  "I don't do relationships," I said. "I made that clear before we started this." Desperation tinged my voice but I couldn't hide it.

  "So everything between us is just sex?"

  I shook my head. "No, you're a friend. I like spending time with you, but I don't need a boyfriend. I don't want one."

  "What do you think we've been doing the last couple of months? Forget dating and the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. We've been acting like an old married couple."

  My neck suddenly grew hot and I could feel the flush climbing into my face. "No, we haven't," I argued.

  Ben took my hands in his. "Sierra, I love you. All your weird quirks and your tendency to say exactly what you think without stopping to consider how it might come out. You're funny and challenging and you don't want anything from me but me. I think if you would stop bullshitting yourself for just a minute, you would realize that you're falling in love with me, too."

  I jerked my hands out of his as though he burned me and shook my head. "No, I'm not falling in love," I lied.

  It was even more terrifying that he could read me so well and easily. That he could see the emotion growing inside me long before I did.

  Ben leaned toward me. "You just blinked three times," he murmured.

  I lifted my hands. "I can't do this. I'm not going to argue with you about how I feel. I'm telling you that I don't want this thing between us to go any further. From the beginning, I told you that I wouldn't fall in love with you and that hasn't changed. I'm telling you how I feel but I can't control if you like it or not. But I do hope you'll respect it."

  Ben stepped back as though I slapped him. The expression on his face stabbed me right in the gut. I nearly reached out to him, nearly apologized, but I couldn't do it.

  I was doing the right thing. Eventually, he would see that.

  Instead of trying to convince him, I gathered up my things and fled.

  16

  I didn't remember the drive to Cam's house. Only that my stomach ached and my eyes were on fire.

  I groaned when I saw Cam's car in the driveway. She'd been at Brody's more than she'd been at home the last couple of weeks, but today of all days, she was there.

  The temptation to back out of the driveway and just go back to my apartment in the city was strong, but I couldn't do that to Cam. She was my best friend. The sister I always wanted but never had.

  If anyone would understand what I was feeling, it would be her.

  So, I gathered myself and went inside. Cam was sitting on the couch, watching a cooking show, when I came in. She glanced up, grinning, when she heard the door shut.

  As soon as she saw my face, her smile vanished and she got to her feet. "Sierra, what's wrong?" she asked.

  I inhaled, my breath shaky. "Ben and I had a fight."

  Cam stared at me. "About the fact that he wants to be more than friends or the fact that you can't admit it?"

  I gaped at her. "What? No. We're just..." I trailed off when she crossed her arms over her chest.

  "Do you really think I'm that stupid?" she asked.

  "Uh, no?"

  Cam rolled her eyes and huffed out a laugh. "Wow, thanks so much for your belief in me. It was obvious that you and Ben had the hots for each other every time we showed up for Sunday lunch at my parents. You couldn't take your eyes off each other. Mom said it was only a matter of time before you two stopped being idiots and admitted you wanted more."

  Oh. My. God. All that ridiculous sneaking around had been for nothing. Everyone already knew.

  "So Ben made a move, huh?" she asked.

  I dropped my bag by the door and burst into tears.

  "Shit. Okay. Shit," Cam muttered to herself as she came around the couch toward me. "It's okay. It'll work out, I promise."

  Cam put her arms around me and hugged me. I hugged her back. I needed it.

  "He t-t-told me he loved me," I sobbed.

  Cam's hand paused on my back, where she'd been patting me. "He said what?"

  "He said that we'd skipped dating and moved straight into acting like a married couple," I admitted. "And that he said if I would stop bullshitting myself for a minute, I could admit that I was falling in love with him, too."

  "Wow, he pulled out the big guns, didn't he?" Cam said.

  "I told him before we started this that I didn't want anything serious. That I wasn't interested in a relationship."

  "Why don't you w
ant to get involved?" Cam asked. "Why do you avoid anything resembling a commitment?"

  "I can't fall in love. I'm incapable."

  Cam's responding look was ripe with sympathy and disbelief. "Very few people are incapable of love and, I'm sorry, but I know you're not one of them."

  I crossed my arms over my chest. "Why not?"

  Cam ticked a list off on her fingers. "You love me, my parents, and my brother."

  "That's different," I began.

  Cam turned her hand so it was palm out. "Let me finish."

  I sighed but shut my trap.

  "And if you didn't have some strong feelings for Ben, you wouldn't be so torn up over your fight and the fact that you decided to end whatever arrangement the two of you had."

  I didn't even try to rebut that because she was right and, even if I couldn't admit it aloud to my best friend, I could admit it to myself.

  "Why do you keep people at arm's length? Men in particular." Cam asked.

  I had no answer to that.

  "I know I'm not an expert in psychology, but as someone who's known you for many years, I think I have an idea why you push people away."

  "Because I'm socially awkward and romantically inept?" I asked, wiping away my tears.

  Cam shook her head and rolled her lips together as if she was unsure if she should speak.

  I sighed. "You can be honest with me, Cam. I'm not going to lose it just because you tell me something that's true and maybe stings a little."

  "I think you're afraid of being abandoned," she finally said. "Your parents were never around. You had new nannies constantly. And by the time you were old enough to go to school, you hadn't been around other children enough to know how to talk to them. All your relationships prior to me were dysfunctional. Your friendship with me and my family are the only healthy relationships you've had."

  Hearing those words hurt, not because Cam was telling me the truth, but because it brought back the memories of those moments. Of my parents never being home. Of new nannies showing up every few months. They were always nice to me. They all acted like they cared. But they still left.

  And school. That was pure misery from start to finish. I didn't understand how other kids thought and why they acted the way that they did. I was also labeled a geek and treated like a leper. It didn't matter that my parents were rich because everyone else's parents were, too. I was an outcast, ridiculed and teased relentlessly. That was the main reason I worked my ass off to graduate at the age of seventeen. I wanted out of the house of horrors known as high school.

  My eyes welled with fresh tears and Cam looked like she was about to cry with me. "I'm sorry. Please don't be upset," she said.

  "I'm not upset about what you said," I replied, wiping my eyes again. "I just hate thinking about that part of my life. It sucked."

  She took my hand. "Look, I'm not saying Ben is your soul mate. I'm not saying that you guys should walk down the aisle tomorrow. But I do think you should give him a chance. I've known him almost my entire life. For all the gossip and rumors in town, he's a good guy. He doesn't go around breaking women's hearts for fun."

  "I don't know, Cam." I sighed, rubbing my eyes again. "It was a pretty nasty scene this morning. I said some horrible things."

  "Once, when we were younger, I told Ben he had a face like a toad and smelled like manure. He forgave me for that. I'm sure you didn't say anything worse than that."

  I laughed a little. "Depends. How old were you when this happened?"

  "Eighteen."

  That made me laugh again, but it faded quickly. "I'm not sure I'm ready for what he wants," I admitted. My voice was barely a whisper.

  "But are you ready to cut him out of your life?"

  If she'd asked me that before my epiphany, I would have said no. I probably would have lied and said that Ben and I would remain friends without bennies, but I knew better now.

  It had only been a short time, but I understood that I never would have been able to be "just friends" with Ben after what we'd shared.

  "I don't know."

  "If you don't know, then you shouldn't make the decision yet."

  I shot her a dry look. "Yeah, I'm sure he'll wait around a month or two while I figure it out."

  Cam shook her head. "That's not what I meant. Don't ghost him. Tell him the truth. All of it. Starting with why the idea of getting serious freaks you the hell out."

  "That's a lot to lay on a guy after what's supposed to be just casual sex."

  It was Cam's turn to give me a dry look. "The man just admitted he loved you. That doesn't sound like casual sex to me."

  Ugh. I hated it when she was right.

  "Fine. I'll talk to him. Tomorrow. I can't do it right now." When she shook her head, I sighed. "I'll text him tonight. Tell him that I'm sorry I freaked and we should talk. But the talk will be tomorrow at the earliest."

  Cam nodded. "It's probably for the best. It'll give you a day to get used to the idea of being in love."

  My stomach twisted. Not out of fear, but out of yearning. I wanted Ben to be in my life. I wanted what he offered me this morning so very badly. Badly enough that I doubted I'd ever recover if he decided to walk away later.

  "For tonight, I'll make us spaghetti and meatballs and we'll have huge ice cream sundaes after. I have all the stuff in the fridge."

  "Homemade ice cream?" I asked.

  Cam scoffed. "Of course. I own an ice cream shop. What else would I serve you?"

  I laughed, but it sounded watery. Probably because I was still crying a little. "That sounds great."

  Cam squeezed my hand and released me. "I'll start right now."

  "I'm going to wash my face."

  When I left the living room, Cam was already in the kitchen filling a big pot with water for boiling the pasta.

  I jumped when I turned on the light in the bathroom and got a load of my face. My eyes were puffy, and red and my fair skin was splotchy. I didn't understand how some women could still look pretty when they cried but I looked like I'd spent three days on a bender.

  As I splashed cool water on my face, my cell phone rang. I assumed it was Ben, so I ignored it. I wasn't ready to hear his voice yet. I would text him the way I told Cam I would, but not yet. I needed a few moments to steady myself. Or a few hours.

  The phone stopped ringing, only to begin again immediately. I frowned, dried my face and hands, and pulled it out of my back pocket.

  It wasn't Ben. It was Mr. Barnes, my boss.

  Great. It was probably another problem that only I could solve. Well, I'd promised him I'd work remotely if he extended my vacation and an emergency popped up. Apparently, this was an emergency.

  I lifted the phone to my ear.

  "Watkins. I need you in the office on Monday," he demanded without preamble.

  "Hello, Mr. Barnes. I thought I was approved to work remotely for the foreseeable future."

  He sighed. "You were, Watkins. But we've got a problem. We tried to implement one of your suggestions and we've hit a snag. We need you to straighten it out. Here. In the office."

  I bit back a sigh of my own. Seriously? I was not indispensable. I could think of at least two other engineers in that office who could have personally walked him through the steps I outlined in my emails.

  "I'm afraid that I won't be able to make it back into the office by then. How about Wednesday?" I asked. Yes, I totally could, but I was having an emotional meltdown and I needed a few more days to get my shit together.

  "If you want to keep your job, you'll be here on Monday," he stated.

  I scowled and bit back the angry retort that leaped to my tongue. What a dick!

  "What time is the meeting?" I asked. "I'll see if I can arrange travel to get me there."

  "Eleven a.m."

  "I'll do my best to be there on time," I replied. The words were polite and the correct response, but I didn't try to hide the acid in my tone. I was pissed and I honestly didn't care if he knew it.

  "Y
ou do that." He hung up.

  I stared at the phone in my hand for a long moment, fighting the overwhelming urge to hurl it into the mirror on the wall. It might make me feel better and I probably would have done it if I was in my own apartment instead of Cam's house. I knew she'd painstakingly chosen each piece in her little house and I didn't want to ruin any of them with a tantrum.

  Instead, I settled for stomping my feet and calling Barnes every ugly curse word I could think of. He wasn't the cause of all of my anger, but it sure as hell felt good to use him as an excuse to vent.

  I felt marginally better, but considering the situation, that's all I could ask for.

  I put my phone on the counter and gripped the edges of the sink hard. One deep breath in, hold, let it out as slowly as possible. Then another. And another.

  It took five breaths for my anger to fade enough that I wouldn't scream if I tried to speak.

  When Cam tapped on my door, I had myself mostly under control.

  Or I thought I did.

  I opened the bedroom door and Cam's eyebrows lifted almost to her hairline. "Uh, what happened?"

  "What do you mean?" I asked. Hmm, I sounded sort of growly.

  "Well, you look like you could chew up rocks and shit bricks after, so..."

  That description was just about spot-on to how I was feeling at the moment.

  "Did Ben call or something?" she asked, her voice gentle, soft, as though she were afraid I'd explode if she spoke too loudly.

  "Nope. No, he didn't. Nope." I shook my head.

  Cam took a careful step back.

  "My boss called. Apparently, I have to go back immediately because there's a problem they absolutely cannot solve without me even though I could name at least two other people who could handle just about any complications in my place. So, tomorrow, I have to go back to Dallas for this meeting on Monday. I have no idea how long I'll be gone and I'm pretty sure Ben will decide I'm not worth the trouble before I can get back and he'll hook up with a hot blonde from two towns over who can cook and doesn't have any body fat except in her rack."