Seasons of Sorrow Read online

  “Give me one example,” she challenged.

  “Okay, junior year, before you met Derek, I asked you if you wanted to go to the Alanis Morissette concert with me. The three of us ended up going because you wanted to invite Brandy.”

  “I thought you asked if Brandy and I both would like to go,” she said.

  Greg shook his head. “No, I asked if you wanted to go. You assumed Brandy was invited.”

  Charlotte felt heat crawl up her face. “Is that all?” she asked.

  “No. I asked you to dinner at least once a month the first two months we were hanging out. You always said you were busy or brought Brandy or another of your friends with you,” he said.

  She knifed into a sitting position. “Well, dammit, I thought you and Brandy were together for a while. Even after she told me you guys were just friends, the two of you spent so much time together that I thought she was in denial or you were trying to keep her at arm’s length.”

  Charlotte flopped back down on her back, throwing her arm over her eyes. “I can’t believe I was so oblivious.” She heard Greg chuckle and peeked out from under her arm at him. “What?” she asked defensively.

  Still grinning and rubbing her feet, Greg said, “You’re cute when your drunk.”

  “I’m not drunk!”

  He shook his head. “Okay, you may not be drunk, but you are definitely tipsier than I’ve ever seen you.” He laughed. “It’s adorable. You definitely speak your mind more freely after a few drinks.”

  “True,” Charlotte said. Then she yawned hugely.

  “And there’s my cue,” Greg joked. “You need to get some sleep.”

  She didn’t argue. Their conversation about the past was making her question what other things she may have missed over the last ten years. She sat up and swung her feet to the floor. Greg rose from the couch and headed to the front door. Charlotte followed.

  He opened the door and turned back to face her. “Come here.”

  Charlotte knew what he wanted and moved closer. His arm came out and pulled her body flush to his, with her up on her toes. Greg leaned down and gave her a short but thorough kiss. When he released her, her entire body hummed. She just managed to resist making a smart remark about needing to take a cold shower. She had definitely had too much to drink. Her mouth was like a runaway train.

  “Good night, Charlie. I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” he said.

  “Night,” she murmured.

  “Lock the door behind me,” he commanded.

  She nodded and shut the door behind him as he left. He waited on the porch until she flipped the locks, then he strode down the sidewalk to his truck, climbed in, and drove away. Charlotte watched from the window.

  As soon as his truck was out of sight, Charlotte grabbed her glass and his bottle and took them into the kitchen. She checked the back door and garage door to be sure they were locked and then she turned out all the lights and headed upstairs to her bedroom.

  She paused outside Adam’s room, raising a hand to touch the wooden letters that spelled his name. The pain was still present in her heart, but it didn’t consume her world as it once had. She was functioning, living, breathing, but she was missing a fundamental piece of herself and it would never grow back.

  With a sigh, she walked into her bedroom and started getting ready for bed. She had errands to run the next day and she needed to get some sleep. After she changed into her pajamas, washed her face, and brushed her teeth, Charlotte settled into the bed.

  Not for the first time in the last few weeks, she struggled to settle and go to sleep. Since Greg kissed her a few weeks ago, she was more aware than ever before that she was alone in her big bed, and that she didn’t’ want to be. Her body had reawakened and she wanted to be touched. But that wasn’t all that she wanted. Charlotte missed being held, missed having another person beside her, holding her close.

  She lay in her bed, feeling cold and lonely, for a long time. When she finally fell asleep, she reached out in the darkness of her dreams for someone, anyone, but no one was there.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  The next day, Charlotte woke up feeling so tired she was tempted to roll over and go right back to sleep. Even though she had slept for almost nine hours, it seemed like it still wasn’t enough. She forced herself to roll out of bed and go downstairs to make a cup of coffee.

  A cloak of depression rested on her shoulders and she wasn’t sure why. The night before had been wonderful. She felt more like herself than she had in a long time. Playing pool with Greg reminded her of how fun and free she had been in college. Even though she was shy with people she didn’t know well, Charlotte eventually learned to open up and laugh and joke with her friends.

  In the light of day, she didn’t regret what happened with Greg on her couch, but she felt disconnected. It was as though she had been insulated with thin layers of cotton. Everything seemed just out of reach, her surroundings, her emotions.

  With a start, she realized this was how she felt right after Adam died and, that over time, it had faded without her sensing it. Now that it was back, Charlotte wondered why. She hated feeling this way.

  Since it was Sunday, she didn’t have to get up and get to work. Greg called her at two and she was still sitting in her kitchen in her pajamas, drinking coffee and staring into space. She hadn’t eaten or showered.

  As soon as she answered the phone, Greg said, “What’s wrong?”

  “What do you mean?” she asked.

  “You sound different today. Unhappy.”

  Charlotte realized that Greg knew her so well, he could sense her moods even over the phone. It helped warm the parts of her that felt cold.

  “I’m okay,” she murmured.

  “Don’t bullshit me, Charlotte. Is this about last night?” he asked. “I was worried you would wake up with regrets.”

  “No, no, I don’t regret last night. I realized this morning that I felt more like myself than I have in years.” She wanted to stop there, but didn’t. It was becoming clear that something beyond friendship was growing between them and shutting him out was exactly the wrong thing to do. “I just woke up this morning feeling, I don’t know exactly how to describe it….maybe disconnected is the best word for it. I felt this way after Adam died, as though all my emotions were just out of reach but the weight of everything still managed to pull me down into a pit.”

  Greg was silent for a second. “I’ll come over.”

  Charlotte knew he was on a flight that evening back to California to complete the deal that had been giving him so much trouble. He would need to be at the airport in a couple of hours.

  “Don’t, Greg. I didn’t tell you so that you would rush over here. You were right last night. We can’t be just friends any more. There’s more between us than that. I told you because I want to start our relationship with honesty and openness. No lies, no hiding.” She paused. “I think I’m going to go to Adam’s grave for a while this afternoon. I haven’t been this week and I think it will help.”

  “Charlotte, please don’t shut me out,” he said.

  She smiled a little. “I’m not, Greg. I promise. Things are changing so quickly between us that I’m having trouble adjusting. I just need time to think.” She knew that he wouldn’t want to agree.

  “I have two questions,” he said.

  “Okay.”

  “First, what if I just wanted to come see you again today because I enjoyed last night so much?” he asked, his voice deepening.

  Charlotte felt her tummy twist at his tone. It was dark and promising.

  “I don’t think it would be a good idea,” she answered.

  “You’re probably right,” he sighed. “I might not leave for California tonight if I saw you today.”

  She blew out a breath, trying to tame the response her body had to his words. “Next question,” she said.

  “Okay, second question. How does ten years of me wanting you as something other than my friend translate to things moving
quickly between us?”

  Charlotte knew he was trying to make her laugh, and it worked. “You may have known you wanted more, but this is new to me. I never would have thought that you wanted me.”

  “I think I’ll always want you, Charlotte,” he said.

  The warmth of his words washed over her, keeping the numbness at bay for a moment. When it returned, it didn’t seem as strong or as heavy.

  “I can’t think straight when you say things like that to me,” she said.

  “Good, then we’ll both be out of our minds together.”

  She laughed then. Somehow, Greg had managed to help with the weight of the depression on her back with a few simple words.

  “I’m going to go get ready and head to the cemetery,” she said, “and you need to get ready for your trip to California.”

  “Do I have to?” Greg joked.

  “No, but you should if you want to stay in business,” she answered.

  “You do have a point.” He paused. “Are you sure you don’t need me?” he asked.

  Charlotte appreciated his concern, but she did need some time to herself. She had always been a thinker. Change or problems meant that she would have to mull it over for a few hours, locked away in her own head. That’s how she had always been.

  “I’m sure.” She swallowed, still surprised at how hard it was to say certain things to Greg, even though they had been friends for a decade. “Thank you for cheering me up. I’ll miss you while you’re gone.”

  “I’ll miss you, too, Charlie. I’ll call you tonight, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “If you need me, you call me or text me. If you can’t reach me directly, call my assistant and she’ll be sure you get in touch with me,” he said.

  Tears welled up in her eyes. How could she have not seen what he wanted offer her all these years? If she hadn’t been locked away in her head in the beginning, her life would have turned out so differently. She sucked in a deep breath. It was too late to think what if. Also, she wouldn’t have had Adam if things had been different, and she wouldn’t miss out on having him for anything.

  “I will, Greg.”

  “Bye, Charlie. I’ll talk to you tonight.”

  “Bye, Greg,” she said.

  Charlotte hung up the phone, put her coffee cup in the dishwasher, and headed upstairs to shower. She wanted to go see Adam today. Because of work, her trips to the cemetery had lessened from three or four times a week to once. She typically went to his graveside on the weekend.

  At first, she hated it, not being able to stop by every day. As time went on she realized it was for the best. Just before quarterly tax reports were due, Charlotte had missed a visit for two weeks. She felt so guilty that she used some of the extra personal time she accrued to take an afternoon off and spend a couple of hours at his grave. She wasn’t ready to let go completely yet, and she might never be.

  Charlotte showered and threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Autumn in Texas usually meant it was almost as hot as summer, so she slid her feet into a pair of flat sandals. She didn’t bother with more than mascara, powder, and lip gloss. She grabbed her bag and decided to stop at Whole Foods and pick up some flowers for Adam’s grave. All the florists on the way were closed on Sundays. Whole Foods had fantastic flowers, so they were the next best choice. She hated to buy them from a grocery store, but she didn’t want to go empty-handed.

  She drove to the cemetery, thinking about Greg. Last night had been one of the best dates of her life. While they played pool, he teased her and talked trash about her skills. Charlotte had given as good as she got, something she would never have done with Derek or any other boyfriend she had. Greg always had a way of drawing her out of herself. That was one of the things she loved about him. He let her be herself, no judgments, no criticism.

  Charlotte pulled into a parking spot at the cemetery and pushed thoughts of Greg out of her head. She was here for her little boy. She stuck her purse under her seat, grabbed the flowers, and climbed out of the car. After locking the car and sticking her phone in her back pocket, Charlotte walked through the cemetery grounds toward Adam’s headstone.

  A few feet from the grave, she saw a beautiful bouquet of white daisies lying at the base. She wondered who left them. Charlotte crouched next to the headstone and looked at the daisies. They were tied with a simple blue ribbon, no card or florist’s signature.

  She thought they might have been from Derek’s mother, Leah. She rarely came to the cemetery, but Charlotte would find fresh flowers on Adam’s grave from her once a month, though they typically had a florist’s name on the ribbon or on a small card inside the bouquet. Then she realized that it was the exact same bouquet Greg ordered all those months ago when they came to the cemetery together. He must have either come himself or had the flowers delivered. That alone made Charlotte love him even more.

  After she placed her own spray of flowers on the grave, Charlotte sat next to Adam’s headstone and rested her hand on the grass.

  “Hi, baby. I miss you.” She started every visit to his grave with those words, because they were true.

  Charlotte began talking, telling Adam about the things she had done that week. She told him about all the interesting things happening at work and a little about the movies and books that she would have liked to be able to read to him. She realized as she spoke that his first birthday would be the next month, October, on the twenty-third.

  She told him about going out with Greg the night before. Charlotte smiled when she told him about the game of pool she played.

  “I wish I could teach you to play. I think you would like it,” she whispered.

  Finally, Charlotte ran out of things to talk about, so she just stretched out on top of Adam’s grave, resting her left palm against the base of his headstone. She lay there, staring at the clouds as they passed overhead. The depression that plagued her earlier in the day was beginning to lift, leaving her feeling peaceful. She was tempted to let herself fall asleep, but didn’t want to give any other visitors a heart attack if they saw her sprawled over her little boy’s grave.

  After a long time, probably an hour, she stood up and brushed the grass off of her pants. “I love you, Adam,” she said, putting her fingers to her lips then placing them over his name on the marker. “I’ll come back and see you soon.”

  She wandered back to the car, feeling both light and empty. It was a strange feeling. It was as though she were at peace yet still lost in the wilderness. Charlotte climbed into her car and began the short drive home.

  When she arrived at her house, all she wanted to do was sleep. The night before had been restless, full of strange, lonely dreams. Charlotte went upstairs to her room and stripped off her jeans. She fell into bed wearing nothing but her t-shirt and panties.

  This time, she fell asleep almost immediately and slept deep and dreamlessly. Her phone woke her up in the late afternoon. She sat up in bed and reached for her cell. Charlotte was shocked to see it was almost seven in the evening. She’d slept for several hours.

  There were several text messages, two from Brandy and three from Greg, and a missed call from Greg. She decided to call Greg back since his last text message sounded as though he were concerned.

  His phone went straight to voicemail and she realized that he was probably still in the air on his way to California. His plane left at five in the afternoon. She sent him a text apologizing for worrying him and that she had been sleeping.

  Then she called Brandy.

  “Charlie! I was going to head over to your house in another hour if I didn’t hear from you,” she said.

  “Yeah, I was taking a nap,” Charlotte said.

  “Oh, did something happen to keep you up late?” Brandy asked, obviously fishing for details of her evening with Greg.

  Even though Brandy couldn’t see her, Charlotte blushed. The kisses she shared with Greg on her sofa still made her skin heat just by thinking about them.

  “Greg brought me home a
nd we spent some time together,” she muttered.

  Always good at detecting lies of omission, Brandy asked, “And?”

  Charlotte sighed. She knew what would happen next. “He kissed me again.”

  Brandy squealed. “Did anything else happen? How was it?”

  It had been so long since Charlotte talked about her love life with a girlfriend, even Brandy, that she was having difficulty talking about it. While she was married to Derek, her love life wasn’t hot enough to warrant discussion. She had a feeling that, as long as she was with Greg, that wouldn’t be the case.

  “It was incredible,” Charlotte answered. “We made out on my couch for close to half an hour before he left.”

  Brandy waited a second, but when Charlotte didn’t add anything else, she sighed and said, “Give me details, woman. I’m not getting any and I need to live vicariously through you.”

  Charlotte evaded the request for details by responding, “You could get a man if you wanted one.”

  “Yeah, but they’re so hard to house train. It’s not worth the trouble.”

  Charlotte giggled. Brandy, like Greg, seemed to be able to make her feel better when she was depressed.

  “C’mon, Charlie. Give me something here,” Brandy pleaded.

  Charlotte sighed. “Won’t it feel weird for you to think of Greg this way?” she asked, still trying to get out of answering.

  “Please, that man is hot. Just because he’s not my type doesn’t mean that I can’t see that.”

  Resigned to sharing at least some of what happened the night before, Charlotte piled the pillows up behind her and leaned back.

  “Well, we made this bet at Charlie’s about who would win our pool match.”

  “Let me guess,” Brandy said. “He won.”

  “Yeah.”

  “What was the bet?” Brandy prompted.

  Charlotte picked at a thread on her comforter. “If he won, we came back here and made out. If I won, he cleaned my kitchen and gave me a foot massage.”