Seasons of Sorrow Page 12

When she entered the restroom, she locked the door behind her and moved to the sink. She wet a paper towel with cool water, squeezed out the excess, and placed it on the back of her neck. Charlotte leaned heavily against the sink and kept her head down, holding the cloth close to her nape.

  After a few moments the pounding in her head began to subside. Charlotte lifted her face and looked in the mirror in front of her. She didn’t recognize the woman staring back at her. Though she had always been quiet, she also knew herself and had the confidence to do what made her happy.

  Somehow, when she met Derek, her own identity began to disappear. She gave in to him and his desires more often than she thought about her own. The way she dressed, the food she cooked, the way she wore her hair. All of those were done according to Derek’s preferences.

  Looking at herself in the mirror, Charlotte didn’t want to be that woman anymore. An idea hit her and she made a decision. It was only a small change, but it would be the first of many. She used the dampened cloth to wipe her cheeks and threw it in the trash. She strode back to her office, her head up. Her assistant was still out on her lunch break, so Charlotte went back into her office and shut the door behind her.

  Picking up her cell phone, she found the number for her hairstylist. Luckily, she had an opening that evening. Charlotte made the appointment and decided to spend the rest of her lunch hour plowing through the stack of work on her desk. She needed to keep busy so she wouldn’t think of how her life was falling apart around her. While she also knew that the appointment she made with her stylist wouldn’t fix her problems, it sure would take her mind off of them for a while.

  The last eight years of her life had been based on lies, betrayal, and anger-fueled obsession. She had been nothing but a pawn in Derek’s mind games. It made her angry when she thought about how easily she went fell into his plans. It absolutely enraged her when she thought about the wonderful gift she had been given in Adam, only to lose him, and that Derek didn’t even care.

  Charlotte realized that she was getting worked up again and she forced herself to breathe. She would need to take a half-day tomorrow to meet with the FBI agents investigating Derek. She couldn’t afford to take off early today. Brandon, her boss, was a great guy, but she hadn’t been in her position long enough to rate that kind of leniency.

  After a few minutes, her heart rate slowed and she no longer felt like tearing her office apart. Her grief counselor explained to her that she might occasionally have panic attacks due to the stress and the fact that she tended to suppress her instinctive reactions, but this felt so much worse. There were times that she felt as though she were having a heart attack.

  By the end of her lunch hour, Charlotte had regained control and was able to focus on her job. She spent the rest of the afternoon taking care of projects and small jobs that required her attention. When she spoke to Brandon about meeting with the FBI the next day, he was sympathetic and willing to work with her. He offered to give her the entire day off, but Charlotte declined. She knew that she would only worry about the meeting and stew all day long if she stayed at home.

  At the end of the day, she grabbed her bag and closed up her office. As she stepped out and shut her door behind her, her assistant, Laura, looked up from straightening her desk.

  “You heading out?” she asked.

  Charlotte nodded.

  “I meant to tell you earlier, you look so pretty today,” Laura said.

  Charlotte smiled. “Thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh, and please make a note to reschedule any appointments I have after two, okay? I have an something that came up at the last minute today.”

  “Sure thing.”

  They said their good-byes and Charlotte hurried out to her car. If she left within the next five minutes, she would just make her appointment with the hair stylist. When she walked into the salon, Deena, her stylist, waved to her.

  Charlotte walked over and Deena hugged her.

  “How are you doing?” Deena asked.

  Charlotte started to say that she was fine, but stopped. She wanted to change, now was the time to start.

  She shrugged. “Some days are better than others.”

  Deena nodded, her expression sympathetic. “Well, you call me if you need anything, shug.”

  Charlotte nodded.

  “So you said you wanted to go shorter?” her stylist asked. “How short are we talking? Shoulder length, chin length?”

  Relieved at the change of subject, Charlotte shook her head and took her phone out of her bag. “No, I’m thinking something a lot more drastic.”

  Deena looked skeptical until she saw the picture Charlotte pulled up on her phone. Then her eyes widened and she stared.

  “Are you absolutely sure?” she asked nervously. “That isn’t just a little change. If you don’t like it, it will take a long, long time to grow it back out.”

  Charlotte nodded. “Yes. It’s time for a change. A major one. I’m ready for something new.”

  Deena stared at her. “You know, I’ve always thought you would look great with something like this cut, but I never suggested it because you’re pretty traditional.”

  “Well, I’m ready to try it now.”

  A huge smile spread across Deena’s face. “This is going to look fabulous on you. With those huge brown eyes and your terrific bone structure, you’re going to look amazing.” She clapped her hands excitedly. “Oh my God, this is going to be awesome!”

  Deena gestured for her to sit in the chair. She ran her hands through the length of Charlotte’s dark brown ponytail. “Okay, I think I’m going to cut some of the length off this before I wash it. No use washing a full head of hair that I’ll just be chopping off in a few minutes.”

  “Okay. Let’s get it done,” Charlotte said.

  Her stylist draped a cape over her dress and got a pair of scissors out of the drawer. She walked around behind Charlotte. Lifting her ponytail in her hand, Deena met her eyes in the mirror, her scissors poised just behind Charlotte’s head.

  “Are you certain you want to do this?” she asked.

  Charlotte swallowed hard. Her heart was pounding, but this was a change she wanted to make. “Yes.”

  Deena took a deep breath. “Here we go.” She began to saw at Charlotte’s thick ponytail until a good nine inches of hair lay in her hand.

  Charlotte watched, slightly dazed, as Deena placed the ponytail on the counter in front of her.

  “It’s long enough for Locks of Love. Do you want to donate it?”

  Charlotte nodded.

  Deena ran her fingers through the back of Charlotte’s hair. “Okay, girlie, let’s go wash this and get to chopping.”

  Charlotte rose from the chair and followed her back to the sinks at the back of the salon. An hour later, her stylist finished the last snip and stepped back to let Charlotte look in the mirror.

  Charlotte stared in utter amazement at the transformation. Her thick, dark brown hair was now cut in a pixie with choppy bangs and razored edges. The short crop made her neck look long and elegant and drew attention to her eyes, making them appear larger and darker.

  “Wow,” she whispered.

  Deena set her comb down on the counter and clasped her hands together, obviously nervous. “Is that a good wow or a bad one?” she asked.

  Charlotte turned her head to the side to get a better look and Deena snatched up a hand mirror and turned the chair so that she could see the back of her hair as well. After a few moments, she stopped looking in the mirror and looked at her hair stylist.

  “That is a very good wow. You did an amazing job, Deena. I love it!” She laughed. “I feel like an entirely new woman.” And she wished it were true. Too bad she couldn’t leave behind her old habits the way she did her old hairstyle.

  The other woman grinned. “I think you look fantastic.” She whisked the cape away from Charlotte’s shoulders.

  Charlotte pulled her purse into her lap as Deena brushed a few stray hairs from the back of her ne
ck. She took out her credit card and handed it to Deena. After she got her card back and she filled out the receipt, Charlotte turned to the other woman.

  “Thank you, Deena. I needed this.” She hugged the stylist. “I’ll call you soon. We should go have coffee.”

  The shorter woman squeezed her tightly before she stepped back, hands on Charlotte’s upper arms. “Please. I’d really enjoy it.”

  Charlotte nodded and gathered her things. She said good-bye one last time and walked out the door of the salon feeling as though she had lost a hundred pounds. As she walked to her car, she pulled out her cell phone and called Brandy.

  Brandy answered after the second ring. “Hey, Charlie. What’s up? Is everything okay?”

  Charlotte realized then that she hadn’t called Brandy just for a chat in a very long time. “Everything’s good. I had a bit of a tough day, but it ended well.” She had an idea. “What are you doing for dinner?” she asked.

  Charlotte heard papers rustle before her friend answered.

  “Ugh. I was trying to finish up some work before I left the office but these files are a mess and I’m starving.”

  “Why don’t we meet for dinner at Brio?” Charlotte asked.

  Brandy paused. “Are you sure you’re up to it?”

  “Yes. I need to get out. I have to stop holing up in that house. I also need to start being a friend again.”

  “You are a friend, Charlie. You don’t need to worry about me.”

  Charlotte interrupted her. “Yes, I do. That’s what friends do. So, will you have time to meet me for dinner?” she asked.

  Brandy’s answer was almost instant. “Of course. I need to get out of here before I throw myself through the window in my office.”

  “Great. I’ll see you in a half hour, okay?” Charlotte said.

  “See you then.”

  Charlotte got into her car, started it up, and headed toward the restaurant. Traffic wasn’t heavy so she made it there with fifteen minutes to spare. She decided to touch up her make-up before heading inside to meet Brandy. When she started digging in her purse, she noticed her wedding ring.

  Though she couldn’t bring herself to wear the other jewelry Derek had given her, Charlotte still hadn’t removed her wedding rings. He had been gone for almost six months and she knew she wouldn’t reconcile with him, even if he begged. She wasn’t sure why she hadn’t removed it, other than the fact that her hand felt naked without it. She shook her head. Charlotte knew exactly why she was still wearing the diamond and matching wedding band. Hope.

  If she took off her rings, it meant that hope was dead. It would mean acceptance of, not just the death of her son, but the death of a marriage. Marriage and family were the embodiment of hope. People were married and had children because they wanted to share their future. The future that Charlotte might have had with Adam and Derek, had things been different, was gone, never to return.

  As she touched the band of the wedding set, Charlotte realized the she probably wouldn’t have wanted the future she would have had with Derek. The anger that had burned in her belly for the last few days since Derek’s call was strangely absent. Instead she only felt hollow and disappointed.

  Gently she clasped the rings and slid them off her finger. She stared at the cold, white diamonds in her palms for a moment before she dropped them into her cosmetics bag. It was time to let it all go.

  After she touched up her lipstick and checked her hair, Charlotte zipped up the bag and dropped it back into her purse. When she got out of her car, the last bit of weight holding her below the surface fell away and she felt as though she could suddenly breathe again.

  Chapter Seventeen

  The next morning Charlotte was shocked at how quickly she was able to get ready for work. She was completely dressed in a emerald green fit-and-flare dress and nude pumps, with her make-up done, twenty minutes earlier than usual. Her new pixie cut didn’t just look cute, it saved her time. She decided to stop for bagels on the way to work since she had time to spare.

  When Charlotte walked up to Laura’s desk, bagels in hand, her assistant did a double take.

  “Ms. Fallon! Wow, your hair looks amazing!” she exclaimed.

  “Thank you, Laura. I decided it was time for a change,” she said.

  She had said something similar the night before to Brandy when they met for dinner. Her friend had been astonished at the cut. When Brandy had first seen it, she smiled broadly and squealed.

  “It looks great, Charlie! What made you decide to cut it?” Brandy had asked.

  Charlotte had replied to her question as she had Laura’s. “It was time for me to make a change. And not just with my hair.”

  After the hostess had seated them in a booth at the back of the restaurant, Brandy leaned forward, hands folded in front of her, looking every inch the lawyer. “What prompted the need for change?”

  Charlotte took the menu from the hostess with a smile before she turned back to Brandy with a serious expression on her face. “How can you ask me that, B? I’ve always done what was expected of me, bent over backwards to please everyone else, and what has that gotten me? I’ve lost everything. I don’t even recognize myself anymore when I look in the mirror.”

  Her friend’s expression filled with sympathy. “Charlie, you can’t blame yourself for anything that’s happened.” She reached out and laid a hand on Charlotte’s.

  Charlotte pulled her hand away. “Don’t placate me, Brandy. I am responsible for myself. I couldn’t know what Derek was doing, but I did know that he could be manipulative and he was a master of passive-aggressive behavior. I didn’t have to sign on for that, but I did because I thought I loved him.” Charlotte sipped the water the hostess had left by her elbow because saying all this out loud was making her throat dry. “I realize now that I didn’t love him. I was with Derek because I needed to feel loved and secure. I was afraid of being alone and he was so considerate and attentive at first that I didn’t even ask myself if I was marrying him for the right reasons. I just said yes.” Her throat tightened and threatened to close up completely. She cleared it. “I understand now that I made the wrong decision. I wanted love, but I didn’t feel it for him, not like I should.”

  Brandy stared at her. “So, what now?” she asked.

  “I’m not sure. I do know that I want to make some changes. I’m tired of being too scared to speak my mind. I’m sick of doing what everyone else wants because I don’t want the conflict or I don’t want to risk their friendship,” Charlotte stated vehemently.

  Brandy leaned forward and took her hand again. This time Charlotte let her.

  “You don’t ever have to worry about losing my friendship because you argue with me. I love to argue. It will probably bring us close together,” Brandy joked.

  Charlotte felt the corners of her mouth tip up against her will. Leave it to Brandy to coax a smile out of her about something that should make her cry.

  “The first thing I want to do,” Charlotte said, “is start actively pursuing a divorce from Derek. Nora is working on getting me a divorce in absentia. I haven’t been worried about it, but I don’t think I can really move on with my life as long as I’m still legally married to him.”

  Brandy nodded. “I understand that.”

  “Because Derek filed first and is now gone, Nora said I may have to refile. If I do, it could take a year or more to finalize.”

  Brandy squeezed her fingers. “We’ll get you through, Charlie.”

  “I just hate this. For the first time in my life, I want control and I can’t have it.”

  “We’ll get you there as soon as possible. I promise, Charlotte,” Brandy said.

  Charlotte felt a single tear slide down her cheek. She wiped it away and sat back.

  “Enough tears for now,” she stated. “I need food.”

  They had ordered dinner, and, to Charlotte, it felt like the years before she married Derek all over again. Not for the first time in the last few months, she realized th
at she missed spending time with her best friend. Derek’s schedule and his need to entertain clients, then the arrival of Adam, had kept Charlotte from spending as much time with her friends as she would have liked. Now, things would be different.

  “Ms. Fallon?”

  Laura’s hesitant voice broke through Charlotte’s memories of the night before.

  “Call me Charlotte, Laura,” she said.

  Laura cleared her throat. “Is everything okay,” she paused, “Charlotte?”

  With a smile, Charlotte nodded. “Yes, thank you. Just thinking of some things that need my attention today.” She gestured to the large white bakery box on Laura’s desk. “Will you please put those in the break room? I brought bagels and muffins for everyone this morning.”

  Laura smiled. “They smell delicious. Thank you, Ms…I mean, Charlotte.”

  Charlotte nodded. “Hold my calls for fifteen minutes, please. I have a couple of things to do this morning and I would prefer not to be interrupted.

  After Laura nodded, Charlotte walked into her office and sat down at her desk. She booted up her computer and started by sending an email to Nora, asking for information on the status of her divorce case.

  Her assistant brought her a cup of coffee and a muffin on a napkin fifteen minutes later. Charlotte didn’t surface from the pile of work stacked on her desk until after noon. Because of her meeting with Agent Bray later, she was cramming an entire day’s work into a little over four hours.

  At twelve-thirty, Laura knocked on her door. “Charlotte?”

  Charlotte looked up from the files on her desk.

  “You said you needed to leave by two today, but you haven’t taken a lunch hour yet, so I wanted to be sure you would have time to eat before you left.”

  Charlotte smiled at her assistant. That was very considerate.

  “Thanks, Laura. I can’t leave just yet,” she said.

  “Well, I’m about to go on my break, it that’s okay. I’ll grab something for you.”

  Charlotte nodded absently, becoming reabsorbed in the work she was trying to complete.

  “Any preferences?” Laura asked.